"...Nothing's Equivalent to My "

the logical perspective

2008-07-24T16:46:00.000-07:00

You'll be able to guess the topic as you read through the post..
You'll even be able to tell the situation reading the post.
You'll see...how many women do have the problem dealing with a man's main flaw....the make-belief that they lack of emotions, when women do grant insight in theirs. It's funny..Most people nowadays, would categorize me as rather rational..Personally, i would say, i've acquired a good share of both sides..to understand both worlds..Not as naive, but yet still loving. It's possible to be understanding and be understood. I feel i've been through so much with love, dealing with this topic especially, that now, at 24, i did have to cut pieces of my own emotional burstouts, just to understand myself better. Not to understand a man..but to understand ME. Logics is healthier... even though it's the overload of emotions that equals fulfillment or life.

My reply #1.

he's too careless to start with..(i mean particularly about the topic "us"..)..thus i can just assume, that he's making it easy for himself to be dealing with you, knowing that you're feeling him..(trust me, he can tell you like him just by the way you talk to him..)..I think the whole distance issue is just a given excuse..I'm pretty sure he'd pursue more if you were in NY or he in LA, but for some given reason, things aren't like that..so of course he's not gonna look for commitment..it's hard to be dealing with a distance relationship and yeah women, go for that, because they'd do anything for a man they "love"..but..men won't..D won't..you know he's a little independent soul..it's funny him and tony probably have the same prollem, lol, but it's still funny how they look for advice from one another..brotherhood..you know. Just that their answers will be the same to one another too. Ya know..so no real progress..Look at what happens there, just don't lose yourself..You may be missing out on plenty of opportunities that are closer to you..And hey if it's meant to happen, you and him will be closer in the long run..just give it time, and don't force it.

Edited at 2008-07-24 12:25 pm (local)

Homegirl:

[info]"I can always count on u to help me see the logical perspective , and I'm thankful for that (cuz I usually be 100% emotion, typical woman! lol). And I would definitely have to agree with you on those 2 points: 1)the distance is an excuse (and a lame one at that), and 2) he's an independent soul. Theres no doubting that. I think I'll be distancing myself for a while. We'll see what happens. It'd be nice if somewhere in the future we'd be in the same vicinity of each other, but I guess I'll have to leave that up to Fate(?)/God(?)/The Universe(?)/Time(?) to decide."

[info]ny My reply.

I've been where you are now, (analyzing on the emotional side) some time ago..You're a woman and it's okay for you to be registering things from that perspective..i think it's men who need to switch up the sarcasm and drought of their views, because honestly, behind all this nonemotional bs, they are the ones trying to do anything and talking all that sweet mess, when they're in a position where they need to GET YOU. When it's you chasing them,all of a sudden this whole "I would do anything for you, you're the greatest woman I've ever met"..thing, seems like a foreign language to them..They know well how to speak it, but you know , i guess when the chase is not on their side, and you're the one being the "conqueror", it gets boring for them..With D, I believe you gotta be less...predictable, as he says..Basically, i bet he wouldn't expect from you to be dealing with any other male, because internally he does expect you to be into him...He knows you're a woman and he

knows what kind of woman you are. Not that you'd take anything, but you'll stick around, wait, build that friendship, and soak in pieces that you DO get from him..and he knows that..He is certain that you would take anything from him as long as he is willing to give you ANY thing that he chooses to give you. Be it, a little smile, you will be happy, be it a little word, that will be far less meaningless to him than it will be to you..because u ll sit around and try to analyze it..Be it, a little compliment or side comment, that will drive you crazy because you'll ponder on how he could have meant what he said...He knows he has that power over you, and it may be a time where you make him believe he still has it, but try to focus on other guys..you may be missing the forrest for one tree. You know..one old tree, that is rooted and that will not cut its roots for you just yet, because they're quite comfortable where they at.

Like Dom's quote indicates...He may just be waiting around, flirting with you..and one day you get up and homeboy finds himself a girl out in NYC that is there..and where he has no room for excuses about distance or whatever shit he's on.

Next time you dwell Nat, try to see what he may be saying, from his perspective...taking into account, every negative and positive ..characteristic about him and the way he usually says things.

And hey..I like d, you know, i know him But, behind every great person, there's also a few traits, that are not loveable..And we often miss them when we try to make them one of the greatest people in our lives..You gotta learn to take him as he is, and not for the good things he says to you...He's by far not as great as one may believe,[not a diss], If i were to not know him, i would almost say he's playing with your emotions because behind this whole, "you know the deal, distance etc." talk that he claims is making things impossible....- when a man wants a woman, he'll do anything to keep / get her..thus, all this talk, is just..you know, his weakness..

[just think about what a stranger would say to you, were you to describe the situation to them and describe his actions. I feel almost biased because i can't really diss him..because he's a homebody..but you know..just take it realistically..he's a man.. he's single, and if he wanted some, he could get some from anyone.. He is not committed.]

Take it as that, maybe seeing him being the weak, see him be the non-direct person he is, the man who is scared to tell you he's either feeling you or not feeling you with no euphemistic expressions or beating around the bush, as we could say it, he's just a man scared to be the bad guy, because he 1) would hurt your feelings 2) would admit he's not gonna be there..3) too weak to stop flirting with you making you believe there's room for more One day.

Plan B - Git up, Git out..

2008-07-10T15:01:00.000-07:00

" We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance" ~ B. Disraeli

I seem to have lost my desire to take people seriously within the last few years.
I mean, yeah, quite a few factors of personal nature played into it, but now that
the past has "passed" and evolved me into new ways and perspectives, most people seem like a big joke to me. lol, and no, not a funny joke joke..maybe more like..ironic characters who don't know where they belong, so they're running wild, confused, just like all of us do, and can't seem to find a place of their own.BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO. A state of confusion seems to be more attractive, mysterious, even ...consuming, than, a state of total clarity. I don't know what could possibly be attractive about a character that is always discontent with everything and everyone around them. But some people do make themselves believe, that their "struggle" makes them cute.

IT's not.

I have noticed that people who I do admire today, don't really ever seem to have any attacks of self-pity and dwellings, as opposed to those characters who I despise, as they don't seem to be moving forward but get stuck because they do not ever consider taking plan b, when plan a has not worked out for many years , many tears and many questions. They seem to get stuck not just for their fixation on plan a (some call it perseverance, if you want to go naively "positive" on this shit. Others, like me, may call it ignorance = lack of knowledge of else.) Ignorance, because they refuse to expand their views, fear taking new ways, and refuse to be themselves, as they should be - be without limitations that plan A puts them in. Plan A can also be called, the safe way to the total downfall.

Plan A could be..

- a desperate focus on staying in a broken relationship that doesn't move forward
- a relationship that has been in shambles and turns
into a failing attempt of reunion.
- a relationship consisting of unreturned love, crushes,
sexual interventions evolving into one sided emotional outbursts.
- a state of self - pity for reason x and y in your life.
- a state of self - pity pondering over your family situation, where you desperately do make yourself believe that you are in fact the only person of your age in this world dealing with this. I mean c'mon.? You can't be serious? Do you honestly believe,just because people don't spend nearly as much time mentioning their struggles, as you do, and thus spare you the moments of self-love-slash-hatred you keep filling your life with, they do not have problems worse than yours to worry about? Turn on the tv, if you can't actually see it in their faces. Maybe the media will feed you a little dose of reality.

- a state where you make yourself believe that the world revolves around you and you only and that people not calling you, or people you consider your friends should be there for you all the time. Some do have a life...

This could be continued, but i'm good on these few examples as they could be elaborated.

I mean, realize, we all go through shit, but have you honestly heard of a successful character who dwells on their mistakes, their mishaps, their failures? Have you? HELL NO. Show me, one Gates, one Carter, one Jones, one anyone, who has ever taken it far, that is sitting there dwelling on whatever they did while growing up, whatever went wrong in their family, childhood, love life. Let it define you, Yes, you can, let it play into whoever you are becoming, learn from it, cut it off, but learn from it, it will be a part of you that will shine through. But Get the fuck up and stop whining. PLAN A does not always work. Plan B sometimes DOES. If you don't...

In the end, you get the same situation from various perspectives. You are the dumbass stuck in self pity. You make yourself feel so sorry for yourself, then attempting to make everyone else feel sorry for you..that you do lose sight of everything and everyone else. Now just when you feel nobody cares for you, or refuses to listen to your bullshit, you forget that it's you, who's selfish. You forget that there are people dealing with different issues, not obliged to be there for you. Friends are there by choice, not by force.

Enough of this..i'll be hittin the pillow.
I just caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't take yall seriously. Good God...

"You need to git up, git out and git somethin
Don't let the days of your life pass by
You need to git up, git out and git somethin
Don't spend all your time tryin to get high
You need git up, git out and git somethin
How will you make it if you never even try
You need to git up, git out and git somethin
Cuz you and I got to do for you and I"

Nuff Said

2007-11-12T10:47:00.001-08:00

Star Inside Of Me

2007-11-02T13:59:00.000-07:00

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2007-10-30T13:37:00.001-07:00

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Reasonable Doubt

2007-10-25T16:36:00.000-07:00

Life. What leads us to becoming indifferent towards [xy]? Is it the oh so shameful lack of gratitude or the overload of disasters clashing with our busy lives? For my part, it may be the reasonable doubt that my so called momentary destiny was in fact meant for me. I refuse to accept. Has somebody up there confused my plan with failure or am I simply followed by the wrong choices even while knocking on the right doors?

If it was ingratitude, am I wrong? Should I appreciate the little things in life if life's significance to me are the things I work to achieve,- accomplishments - because the little things are no
longer a challenge to me? Should I still be grateful for the chance of having those, even though I had already worked and gotten to them solely by my own dedication? Pretty often, this gratitude thing, and the so holy preachy "be grateful, somebody else is worse off" shit just doesn't apply.
Would you settle for less, and suppress your devotion of becoming more than you're offered by circumstance, just to please the thought of false modesty and accepted chasteness?
Why mourn then instead of trying to help or change what
limits you or those you're concerned about?

Actions speak louder than words, but they are so much harder. In the end, you don't help a suffering child by talking, you just boost your ego off it, pretending to be all that you're not. Disguising yourself with words holier than thou.

I detest seeing people in "attempt to care" when for their part they don't. They just attempt to. Plus all those that keep verbally spamming you with words of wisdom about the appreciation of life..when all these words, are quotables, heard a thousand times, personally applied - not once - by them. Some bullish that tickles my brain. This is the answer to the very first question. My indifference originates from these very people with their very [shams of] words.

A lot of questions here..Egotripping never ends and there are too many phrases wasted meaninglessly in disguise, because in the end, we [should] never settle for less, and continuously strive for more.

That's the verisimilitude of challenges - the dream.

Real Hip Hop?

2007-07-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

CLICK PLAY.

Isn't this by far realer than everything released in the last 5 months?
Taking it waaaaaaaaay back...and hey...this is not LL, not Run, not even
close...Click it or fool yourself.

hip hop ?

Ambition

2007-07-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

Question Marks..

Sometimes i wonder whether it's my ambition that limits me the most. Whilekids or let's call them young adults my age settle for jobs, it's not a job that i want, but a successful and flourishing career. I don't know why it's so hard these days watching all of these overrated folks make it in the industries*, whirring around the cities obtruding their hustle* onto each potential customer, who happens to inject $-signs in their eyes while the muzak plays the tunes of a money-hungry cash desk waiting to give little exchange for big expenditures.

I want to have a career because i refuse to settle for less. Less then I can achieve, less than I can do, because I have too many raw talents and I know and am able to do so much more than life offers me. Now, ain't that a bitch, that ..this whole "gameplan" of "making it if you try" is conditioned by thesupport your 1. parents give you , be it of emotional or financial nature, 2. the support your environment gives you seeing you're trying, 3. the confidence you have about being THE SHYT, while nobody believes in you. I believe the first one, parental faith and support in all matters is what is most necessary for a child, even a teenager, or adult.

If your closest ones don't teach you to strive to achieve, nor help you open any of the doors that smooth the way to your destinatinated talents, there is nobody and nothing that will ever be able to show you. If you're damaged by their negligence and slackness in the essential years of your conscious thinking, you will surely get screwed in the long run...It's gonna be so much

harder.

At 23, and 10 years of missing parental love and support, nor any faith or belief that one day their child could make it, [because they failed to live properly, and accepted the given, while watching me quietly while I - rugrat - stand out in all matters..], I stand confused and limited by the lack of 1. emotional 2. financial possibilities to step into the future happily. How great and different would life be, had they provided the proper understandings, push-on nature and dedication, when it was most needed. Not saying difference = greatness. No it's not that. Not solely. People are cruel once they have given up on reaching a better life, because it seemed too hard. I hate such people. Now just think about it..considering, those
are your own parents. You are forced to develop some sort of hypocritical approach to them. You love those people, but you hate their lack of ambition, because that's that slacky shit that made them stop [or not even start] pushing for you.

Gave my all, in school, work, in life, in love and friendships.Been slapped with nothing but pain in all maters. I hope the positive receipt for all of this will be handed in due time. How unfair would it be...if trying harder than others
was nonsense, right? But hey..then again...remember they said..Life's a bitch..and then you die ....Watchout, quoting two of the biggest in this post..Guess who?!
That was random.

Show me a way to use what I have, because what i have is unlimited..
Shouldn't my possibilities be?

Now by myself, all i have are the..great shambles of the big dream..trying

to put the puzzle together as days go by. One day? - From rags to riches..I ain't dumb, I got 99 problems ....

Best of Me

2007-07-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Loved you, Lost you
Thought I'd give you  all the best of me, uhhh
We departed, broken hearted,
I need to be  free
What we had was oh so lovely
I'll swallow my pain,
It's my time to  find the best of me

Can't be the type to be begging
Can't be the type  to plead,
My mama made me much wiser,
What's mine will be just for me,  yeah
I'm trying hard to just focus,
I'm trying hard to sleep,
Promise  I'm glad you're happy
When it's my time it will be.
Look I'm moving  on.


 
+
 I could’ve stayed in that place too long.
I would’ve made it okay for you to do me wrong.
I would’ve played the role one more day
If I didn’t hear my conscience say:
stop, look around, is this where you belong?
 Look at yourself: are you weak, are you strong?
I realize that it's all up to me to make myself happy.
Finally I walked away, never would’ve seen this day,
givin’ up on those things that hurt me made me who I am today.
 (Brandy - Finally; Afrodisiac[2004]) 

All alone

2007-07-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

God be sending me signs like my future is preordained
my timing keep gettin fucked, the wires still havent came
and all I do is object but my shit ain't never sustained
wonder if I keep on trying then will I finally attain
wonder if I'll ever feel like I got nobody to blame..Mayne!

Feels like..the world just keeps crushing down on me.

Self-Awareness.

2007-06-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

What I breathe.

"The world's seen me lookin' in the mirror,
Images of me, gettin' much clearer,
Dear Self, I wrote a letter just to better my soul,
If I don't express it then forever I'll hold, inside..."

Give Up the Goods...

2007-06-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

So it's pretty much the end of the week (friday duh..) and the day's been
kind of busy..I picked up my homegirl from the airport, haven't seen her in
two years, she's beenout in D.C. and Detroit, and is now moving to Jersey..
Now she's stopped by for a month to chill with the peps / fam..etc....

Man i had the craziest ride. Trying to find some

parking - impossible, Ended up driving around the damn airport..AAAAHH!
Then her plane got in at what.. 12.48 or something..We actually been there
at..11.30(FUGG!)..(Hates waiting.) C was in a bad mood, bitching all day a
bout some pity shit, working my nerves. We ended up arguing at the airport
and on the way back like 2 yr olds I was like wtf. We argued about
flowers, about people, about moods, about plans, about

fucken shoes.! Bullpiss. Some days just aren't made
for human beings.

Other than that, her return made me rather upset for undisclosed reasons..

The situation I'm dealing with..reminded me of..Life's a bitch and then you die lol..
Thanks Nasir. You know some people are lucky enough to just have shit undeserved.
Fams, friends, Love, dough..Most of us, lack these "qualities" or just have single
particularities of them...and sure, we acquire personal wealth instead..
Those that face struggles all their life, grow up more mature, deeper, wise

beyond age, mentally less dependent..but made dependent by the circumstance
of their surrounding. It's sad..How much is either one of those depths worth,
while one brings you forward in a matarialistic scenario, and the other "just" makes
you the "better quality" person, while you're being shitted on.

Shit still smells right..Either way you put it. Euphemizing the circumstance is a bitch.

While money might be the most influential issue, when "creating" your life, the way

you want it.

Um..I was thinkin bout hittin the club tonight with everyone "celebrating" her visit,
but I'll pass onthat..(Thinking: I'm 23, it's friday, and i'm at home, while all of my
friends are out..what a loser.) It's just one of those days, i don't feel too great..
Been crying yesterday, now I'm still upset cause the problem's unsolved and I
don't really see a way how to solve it just yet, So this "nowayout"-mode drags along.
Frustrated with everything, This adds up to: I don't know what to wear, don't wanna do

my hair or walk in the rain, don't wanna miss my dear bed tonight, and get home at 5
am with my clothes smellin like shit...I don't wanna get hit on by these dudes..I don't
wanna see my ex. ETC. I don't want this and i don't want that..

SHORT CUT: I'm bitching. Blaaaah!!!! Why not just stay at home..
Even though right about now I feel like I'm missin out on partying with them for once..
You know this shit irks...It's like..DAMMMIT...I wanna be there..but then...NAWWW...
Stay your ass home now, do laundry, get some pizza, read a book and chill.
(How Boring.)

randomness

I did wanna go..Fucken bs..I don't even know what i want right now,

something just doesn't seem right..I been contemplating going out

for the last 4 hrs..and ended up wanting to stay home just to question

that decision again.

Blah..i'll go..get my ~~pizza~~. spaghetti.

October in June

2007-06-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

Awoken by the penetrance of a 7am call by some jerk, my eyes crawled into the day abruptly. A thought hit me, terrified me, scared me so bad I couldn't fall back asleep. It was the thought of october. The thought of october 1st alarmed my mind and weakened my heart. Not only is october the month of all of my pain, it's the birth month of both of my ex men, of whom one definitely..is ..that one. The person, who while hurting me more than anything in my entire life at our quits, is the one that I as well love more than anything or anyone else in it, while having subtly erased him out of my life after all the pain never left. I knew this week was something else, a nightmare, or maybe a prophecy of something terrible yet to come..but this uncertain feeling of october 1st, on a june 21st, caught me.

My eyes shut wide, my heart racing, almost certain that one of these days I was going to face a confrontation with both of these men that hurt me... This entry is kind of personal and i'm almost feeling embarassment or rather shallowness posting this, but as I don't post much , i will give this a shot to get over it.

It was june 21st and I was scared that time fast forwarded me 4 months ahead, to october, while little ole me - hurt.. unhappy - would have to congratulate those men for their mothers giving birth to them..congratulate them on the insertion into this life's existence..that happens to be nothing but a menace to my own.

Hasty, still confused in my sheets, with my long hair on my eyes and lips, sweating, i grabbed my cellphone to check todays' date and make sure this was just a nightmare...And thank God, it was. A sole month scares the bones out of my skin.

Looking at the datebook, i saw it was June, but i didn't register it as june just then..All that mattered - it wasn't october. I was relieved..my eyes shut..I fell back asleep confused by this sudden emotion..this fear.

I didn't know, neither did i remember it was june..june didn't matter.
I am scared of having to face those, that brought nothing pain and sufferings to me, physically, emotionally, and this fear makes me weak. While having moved on...with no glimpse of hope, pity or remorse left inside me, it threatened my soul, to have to face him.., still so unhappy...just as unhappy as he left me, after all we've given to each other, with nothing but my pride left. And i'll still always love him..because he's a part of me. He - my best friend and my lover..once..still left a void that could not be filled by anyone that followed....What hurts the most, he'll never again have the chance to know how much i really loved...unconditionally..and still do.

Who would have ever thought, we would once just be memories..

Once the love of my life, he is now my worst pain...because once, forever, we said,
"he is I and I am him"...

It's not a - holding on- entry...take it for what it is..it's just what i feel...just simple & real.

Bus Stories: R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

2007-06-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

Hit-ons on the bus. Lack of tactics never ceases to impress me.

Situation:

I get on the bus, sit down, trying to call my homegirl...
See this dude approach me..Dude gets all up in my face.

[70% are "stage directions" simply because i wasn't talking. excusez-moi.]

Dude: Heyyyyyy!!!
Me: (not looking, dialin number)
Dude: HIIIIIIIII!!!! (sits down behind me, leans over his seat to smell my hair)
Me: - silence - (leans forward to talk to homegirl, and get the boy outta my neck)
Dude: (watchin me, silence, still smelling my hair)
Me: (hangs up the phone, sits chillin on the bus)
Dude: (leans over again) Hiiii baby, I'm sorry i didn't wanna
interrupt your conversation, didn't know you on the phone!!!"
Me: It's cool..
Dude: Maybe you wanna call me too???
Me: Naw, i'm good..
Dude: Whyyyyy?
Me: I got a man, he wouldnt appreciate it. (best excuse ever.)
Dude: Well, I got a girl! But it's whatever!
Me: Well, I'm happy for you..

Dude: Do you really think your man is faithful?
Look at me! I got a girl, but i'm still here!!
You think he's not cheatin hahaha? Every man cheats!

Me: Well as long as i trust him..[thinking: i should slap the fuck outta you.]
Other than that, it's about what i do. Step off.

Dude: Well, we can still talk!!! I wanna talk on the phone!! You thinkin so far ahead!! [allusion - I just HAVE to be feeling him!!! ]
Me: I have enough friends to talk to, i don't know about you..
Dude: I got a lot of friends, but im always up to making more....
(grins and blows in my neck)
Me: I'm not interested, leave it alone.
Dude: What's wrong?..maybe i can help you!!!
Me: Naw it's all good, thanks..
Dude: I can help, I'm good!!! (gets ready to get off the bus)
Me: Naw , you good, take care.
Dude: Take care boo, good luck with everything!! (unexpected)

- End of conversation -

A bum ( a real crack bum -) who was sittin behind the dude and
obviously watching the conversation gets up... Passes me by..

Bum: RESPECT YOUNG LADY!!!! Goood Job!!!
(claps while leaving the bus)

I bust out laughing. The situation couldn't have gotten any more awkward.

Niam I'm tellin you, it's the bus stories son! LOL

Three Words: He is Gone.....

2007-06-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

By Nolan Strong

Queens, New York rapper and Byrd Gang member Stack Bundles was shot and killed this morning (June 11) in New York.

While details are sketchy, sources affiliated with the Stack Bundles told AllHipHop.com that the rapper was shot by unknown assailants in front of his home earlier this morning (June 11).

Stack Bundles was from Far Rockaway in Queens, New York.

The last time he was seen alive was at Stereo nightclub, where he and an entourage had an incident-free evening.

Stack Bundles was affiliated with DJ Clue's Desert Storm and later became a member of Jim Jones' Byrd Gang group.

He recorded with a variety of artists, including Fabolous, Lil Wayne, Joe Budden, Max B., Juelz Santana, Jim Jones and others.

http://allhiphop.com/blogs/news/archive/2007/06/11/18137333.aspx

Another one..and this one hurts..
Rest in peace Rayquon..
You'll be missed homeboy.

Don't you dare

2007-05-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ever felt like claiming the right to be shallow to escape this little bullshit world of
self-deficiency, self-determination and self-destruction?..All these little selfs make
up so much of who we are...The right to be shallow would help, to not think about
so much of what is thinkable...because often lost in thought, i realize the thinkables
hurt me..they have NO END...no end..they just go on and on and on..and you jump
from thought one to an endless world of thoughts of thought two and three and four.. and eventually lost in all of this bogus shit, you even forget what your initial idea was. You lose the red thread...You get entangled within it.

Not to mention all of these people who - once confronted with
real depth of mind, seem to never again realize that you , like them, are a normal human being..These crazy expectations of a deep mind then become our fellow followers we are trying to not disappoint when stating certain points of views, once having acquired a logical state in which every tendency of shallowness becomes embarassing for us..Talk to them and make them feel like they are worse than you..Talk to them and make them feel
like you're smarter than Them...Talk to them..Confront them with the obtuseness of their own minds, and make yourself GOD. They will love you forever...They will love you for everything you're BETTER than them. Talk About world politics, talk about economy..share the deepest philosophical outlooks on culture and society...But don't you dare to ever get tired of being deep..Don't you dare! Once, you get tired, and your deep mental state is pushed to sleep due to the constant activity, and you demand some sort of substitute peace while resting...booohoohoo..don't even dare to be "easy!"..Shut up, make yourself deaf, disappear..But Don't dare saying a word that nearly transcribes your own regularity in life...Be it grocery shopping, or dealing with regular friendship drama...Don't you dare to share..because once you disappoint them..You're just LIKE THEM! OMG! They realize, you're a human being and they become so self-conscious..in a sense where they see themselves on your level.in a sense where .all of the fame they gave you will fade...all the levels they once laid upon you, will vanish.

I guess , this is the burden of every once-deep rapper...that happened to ever write an easy song..
I guess, this is the burden of every artist, who ever happened to draw a less impressive image...
I guess, this is the burden of everyone..who is a human being..

A regular day, to which the subordinate week was plain crazy..

I'll update later..this is some real bs post..i'm tired.

You can have Him - Type Shit.. [Trade Ins - Part 2]

2007-05-05T10:16:00.000-07:00

So...I seem to seriously attrackt psychopaths.
Where in the rotting hell have you been hidin to just pop up when
I need you the least? So homeboy is cool with me, we're buddies..for God's sake..But he's attracted to me..And I know that, all this sleezy whatever i love you talk and oh you're so sexy shit..I hear it, but at the same time I ain't hearin it...You know I'm sayin..You can hear shit, but you won't respond to it..And You can hear it..but you're not feelin it...Like seriously..if him and I were the only XX/XY chromosomes
left on this planet, Evolution would END...

So I know he is on some bullshit with his girl, and of course he's usually tellin me how he isn't ready for marriage with her..(3 1/2 yrs relationship) and she's the type of girl that'd do anything for the dude..and of course she wants to get hooked...

Hooked - on some - i have him and he isn't goin anywhere type shit..- by marriage.. And he's the type of fella, who's indecisive as ass, and doesn't wanna get on that "i ain't goin nowhere" type shit..cause he holds his doors open..just eventually for another person to come around, and take him away. So..this relationship is either based on sexuality solely..or it's just

consuetude...

A bad habit.. He's constantly complaining about her, (the little shits..you know the looks and the way she's buggin out on the jealousy tip..and seriously i could care less.) and dealing with other females she
doesn't know about. And this is the regularity about dudes like him..
Thats what females run into..And I been there..and he ..like Dana
Gilmore said on DPJam, he was on that Donell Jones -
"I don't know where I wanna be" type shit..that almost killed my braincells...
because we end up wondering and doing more and more to please this person and make them ours..But in the end..
all of this confusion talk is just a bunch of idiotic crap composted by an idiotic person who is simply waiting for something
better to come around to leave your ass alone..or come back to you after he realized the trade-in he picked, could never reach up to you...And this is the man..that I call..the love of my life...along with this Donell Jones type shit.
That's what we end up feeling while trying to analyze the situation and our heart is bleeding and bleeding and..we lose so much blood , we eventually lose ourselves.

(Read - trade ins..shit's just everywhere man..) .

And she..i don't KNOW her..But she's the type of female who may discuss everything with
her homegirls and seek depth in HIM but he's just too shallow to see the heck she wants...
More than anything, I'm sure he isn't even trying..Okay..so things weren't going great
for the past weeks between em..by what he's told me..And i kept telling him it's his own fault.. He's started to get accustomed to some older woman who is in their common circle of friends.. Again..his girlfriend doesn't know...he's on some serious shit..and if he wasn't a friend..I might as well put this dude in the place for dissing his girl like that. Because i've been through this and I know how it feels..

So i wake up today ..great busy Saturday..and I happen to not have spoken to the dude in about a month now due to business, and we're buddies and i know all about that.. "oh i care about u so much"..and "oh i love you"..and "oh let's get married" type shit.. So i kept skippin those lines, ignoring them..until he started talkin to me normally..

Okay..I happen to as well receive this text this morning..and i am caught up betweenthe need to bust out Laughing at this shit..and getting seriously MAD at him even putting me between the chairs. Cause ..for God's sake..yet again i don't have ANYTHING to do with this situation..I've known him for years, but at the same time I barely know him..Feel me?.

Girlfriend messages me:

Subject: u can have him... im done

i knoe u must have heard alot about me but I really am not the way
he says I am, that is his only way of trying to get to decent looking
females I knoe he wants to move u in and he loves u and all that shit,

I am practically giving him 2 u hunny, thank u 4 saving me from that
psychoatic fool I wasted 3 yrs of my life! have fun the both of u, by the way
tell him im terminating it!

he will knoe wut that means and i am finally over him thankxz "

So what do you respond to something like that....

First of all, I got fucking mad while chuckling at the same time at the ridiculousness
of the situation..For one..I don't know her..For two, i have never even once flirted with him.. for 3..this dude must be fucking nuts. So I chilled, and replied..

Subject: I'm not even slightly interested in ole boy.

I wanted to let you know, this shit isn't about me..maybe there's another fem. But i'm just his friend, I don't know what he told you.. But i have never been interested in him, even in a least bit.

What happened? I know yall been going through things and i know he's not always actin right.. I've always told him tobe respectful.

Don't worry girl, it's not about the way he feels for you,he loves you...Seriously,i don't want ole boy. He's just a friend to me.

And what's that thing with..he wants to move
me in? What the heck? I have my own place to stay girl..Move me in? Crazy? Why would i move in with him? This must be a misunderstanding.. What the went wrong?

I know there's some drama..but seriously girl, it isn't even about me..You should deal with him ánd talk about it... because it's straight fucked up..

No matter he's my friend and all.. that's not my style...He's taken and i could

care less about him, other than friendship wise. Talk to him cause i see something went wrong right here in communications.

Love "

This is this You can Have him type shit...

Man yall must be fucking crazy....craaaaaaazy.

And this is the reason why women cannot Trust..Trust in fucking what?
Empty promises? I can so feel homegirls words right now..Seriously..

This shit isn't about me..And i'm glad she ain't bothered to diss me
But i've been in the situation and i know how tough this is...And i've
been in her shoes once..And this is the hardest way to walk..the hardest
steps to take...

This is by far the only thing men will never understand
about choices.Shit like that is killing you and your faith to

find someone truthful.

Peace

The Emotional - Trade - In

2007-05-02T10:37:00.000-07:00

First of all let me say.....We always know..who we truly love. And who we don't.

We always know...the real potential bunch ofpeople who we'd do well with, in case a relationship was in the possible frame.We know who we want. There is no denying in that.

This might be one of those precipitous entries, hitting you, colliding with you, when facing a freshly unresolved situation, puzzled yet by it's lack of sincere irony..I'm dwelling on this shit as it's some serious shit..And it hurts..

to realize this is an absolute term, applicable to each person in this world.

I'm wondering about relationships and trophies..

Either one is not too far from the other..Trust me. You will be guessing why I feel

this way in the course of this entry..But I've come to encounter people being traded

in like trophies, platinum,gold, silver ones..The value of a person changes within the amount of time and the grade of connection you share with them..As well, it changes more than anything with the lack of balance of emotional exchange.

When you don't give as much as you gave before..or too much, either way, you face being traded in. More than anything your worth is easily transferred onto a new someone who shares a greater bundle of current ideologies of life of the trader. No concreteness minded here. Have you ever wondered whether the person that is steadily claiming the exclusivity of their love for solely you, to have a trade-in person to give this same love to, in case you and them don't work out?...Believe it or not, I'd suggest for you to believe it.. We all have our trade-ins...

Serious or not..We bullshit a lot, we fake

a lot...Not in evil ways..call it flirting ..
ACCUMULATING LOVE.

HUNTERS AND GATHERERS. We all are...Proud owners of trophies.

We accumulate emotional baggage and this way keep ourselves safe from a greater hurt, that is only to face us when we truly have Loved someone once. Being single is not easy, it's not hard either.. My thoughts on this one seem confused, I'm trying to solve that puzzle,
but All i'm really saying is...

We all have our trade-ins.. We all have someone, we have a potentiality of getting with, most of the time. If we truly worked towards it..it wouldn't be ashard with them, as it'd be with aperfect stranger.. because either way, while digging deeper with only one.. Exclusive One of our liking, We still keep the rands close to us. For emotional stability, for our literal sake,for the assembly of our hurt ego, if the exclusive one happens to not be as interested, or not as much into it, as they once were.

I've always been fond of the existence of this phenomenon - Trade -.

We do it...We do it consciously. Not intended, as per wanting to hurt

someone actively, but, we do it to save our souls...It's so fucking funny,

we are ridiculous. If he doesn't work out..Take the next one...Work towards them, and turn them into whatever the last person wasn't ready to be for you. We don't push as forward as to actually getting with them..and facing a fake relationship..but we go as far as our ego lets us...Sometimes we go too far.

This is something rodents do..We're like fuckin rodents..Why Rodents?.. You know, take hamsters n shit...These little fuckers stack food the same way we stack emotional depth with diverse characters..With the only aim of this

accumulation being security and prevention in cold times..

Funny huh...This shit's too sad to be true, but it's true and thus it's sad. We stack it all up like it's food...

Just that we eat emotions..absorb emotions, breathe emotions and feel stronger and greater and better knowing a bunch of people out there would love to be that exclusive one for us..At the same time, we never cease to want to forget that eventually, our trade-ins have their own trade-ins..

And once THEIR exclusive ones vanish, we become the main center of transferred attention in their current life of love.

I hope you're getting this...This is kind of unsorted..but main points stated..

Want some real shit? This is a real conversation with someone I wasn't, am not

ever going to be ready for....But this is the phenomenon of trade in..How funny,

after all that is being claimed by this person before the emotional decline from Me,

his eventual Exclusive One, just a couple of minutes ago. Now, the exclusivity

was transferred onto GirlXY...whose name I erased as it's rather irrelevant..

The trade-in:

Person X hits me up after an indefinite point of time after a complete cease

of communication. Why we stopped conversing? It just happened to be

the lack of interest. I reply to his question as per why I haven't kept

in touch.

1) Response; Me to Person X's first Text: [post unnecessary, context clear.]

Okay...so

I'm here thinking..we don't talk for almost a month while the last message we ever exchanged was an "alright." sent by me..after you basically say you didn't care and i could do whatever floats my boat...So now..I'm confused..about the casual note..about the casual words...about the casual reasons...I'm not too sure , there's nothing for you to prove to me, you know you're not my boyfriend, never were..But it confuses me...For a while, you leave me alone..and then I'm back visually..more or less casually as well..back in your picture, and you do remember me..You never said you didn't want to speak to me again, yet again at the time given, the things and the point we came to when I shared, i didn't feel as much that you were ready to deal with whatever i had to say..and nor did i ever expect for you to ever get ready to deal with it. .And i know it's too much for you.
I told you from the start.

2) Response: Person X to Me: [situation after an eventual cutoff]

No,

Stop.You just kept shooting down everything positive that I'd say. And it was like, there was no reaching you. So I just gave in to what you were saying. Saying that you're ultimately gonna do what you want anyway. Which is true. No...I'm not your boyfriend, but how many fuckin times have I said I would! In less than a heartbeat, I'd say yes, if you ever asked me to be that guy. Lord knows, you know, I wanna be that guy. I AM that guy just that you aren't ready... but I never wanted to push you away or be pushed away, ...god, I care about you. I never wanted to stop...I just figured you'd tell me when you had more to say..other than..'alright'. I don't get what you mean about a picture...but I've never stopped thinking about you, wondering when I'd hear from you, or attempting to call you..because that's how much I care. You gawt me.

3) Response: Me to Person X..

Date: 02 May 2007, 07:58

Hey Person X,

I kept shooting down everything positive you had to say? - And how is that? I mean...what is positive?..

The fact that i haven't consciously responded to the romantic expressions..loveable words or promises

said by you?...or to your hopes for the future? -

I'd rather not respond when I don't even know where I stand or where I want to stand, where I am able to stand..I can't tell you one thing, and feel another, I'm never going to be the person to tell you something

out of a simple yet again "casual" mood, or emotional outburst..just because eventually it could please your feelings if I started the "honey" -talk, that I COULD start..But i'm not the type of woman to do that....

I just can't do it. I know how it is to be played, I know how it feels to be hurt so bad because people say things to you, they don't truly mean..I'm not trying to be one of those bastards who play with so's heart..because I know what it felt like when they played with mine.

I cannot, and will not respond anything romantic or sexual in whatever context to you, as long as I don't know you enough to say we're heading ways..I'm sorry if that is the positivity response you are missing, but I won't do this to you..It would hurt because one day you will be expecting it after I say it once...And then the next day maybe I won't be able to say it twice..And you will be wondering Why...And the response to why would be..I don't KNOW why. Because i'm not sure whether I can keep up with the risks of a relationship...Again, I told you why and what..and when and how...Even if i wanted to say anything sweet to you, cause you deserve it..because you know as well I could do that..It's too hard for me and I just dont feel at ease with the most simplistic shit with you... Being that sweet lovable and lovegiving little naive thing..I've been through too much for too long.

We been there, and I been telling you these things in 2005...when we got to know each other, which should let you know I am different when I'm truly open with you..But things have changed for me...life flipped 180. I've grown..I feel so old you wouldn't believe it. I could be there jokin and foolin around and making
sincere love-references all day...when maybe just a year ago, that's all I could do because I truly loved him.. so intensely. But I can't let loose and seriously, i don't know why..Maybe i just don't have that trust left..I'm too tensed ..My guards are up, and i've tried long enough to let it all down..But this shit makes me vulnerable..Whenever I get to fall in love, it makes me the weakest person. I won't be sitting here watching how you deal with other women...I won't because again it makes me feel like I could eventually later turn out to be just one of them..no matter the case or not.

I felt as if i said so much, seriously, i felt like an idiot at some point because i was telling you about my

feelings for someone else.How stupid, shit how stupid??? But i thought of you first and foremost as a friend. That's some bogus shit but eventually all that is stuck inside of me is what i told you and that's just the simpliest truth..Would you rather want to have me rush into something I'd flee from in a couple of days, weeks or months once the situation turns out to be threatening my emotions or my feelings for you, any feelings i have for you at all, friendship, romance? if it got any deeper from this point on, if we got in a relationship? Do you seriously want that?

I don't think so. Cause shit would hurt you and it would take away all of your faith in a healthy relationship like it's taken away mine. Now aside from all love oaths, and all promises and hopes, You wouldn't want me to start
something I'm not Into, just to have us get romantic...which then leads to having us get sexual one day...and then...to leaving each other alone because things haven't started at the right time and the right place..due to impatience?..insecurity?..

Same as you figured I'd write, I figured you were done. Because, no disrespect...that's what it is.We've beend one...and I've said ok and maybe thought it's for the better this way none of us gets hurt..or risks getting hurt in the course of the situation..I don't know what we're meant to be...I wish someone gave me some tracks to follow...Shit, strew some crumbs along the way, someone , god whoever is upstairs..so i know this isn't yet another mistake...This is what i'm feeling about the approach ..about the risks and the failures that i've been through.

This is why there is no idiotic response to your steady emotional sincerity..from my side..I'm sincere with what I give you and as much as I can give to you..I'm not ready for more.

4) Person X's response: The TRADE IN...Watch this carefully.

I appreciate your honesty.. Eventhough this still hurt, it didn't hurt the way it could've. ..I just have to respect what you want. Don't worry, I won't..I won't say anything that provokes 'sweet' thoughts or..anything. I'll just continue to be the only me I can be..and uhm, from there..hope you fall in love with who I am on your own..and not what I say to you.

I'm no player...I'm not what everyone thinks. I have tons of female friends, yeah..but because I listen. I give advice. Half the girls I know are friends of friends who met me through my buds and want my advice on certain guys. I'll admit, someone is grabbing my interest..but I just met her. I'm not going to lie to you, because I never have and I don't intend on starting.

[MIND ME, the AUTHOR OF THIS...THIS WAS NEW TO ME.]

Tomorrow night, I'm going to pick up a girl to see a movie with her. GirlXY. I waited as long as I could, without hearing from you, and just decided...shit..she's nice..and she wants to get to know me. That's all this is right now, is still feeling each other out...but you know...I know how it is to be hurt. and...we're two different people, but there's no way that I'm giving up on relationships just because one fucking whore (his ex) screwed up what I thought was a good relationship. I say fuck that because everyone isn't the same. Everyone isn't gonna hurt me. And then, I have to face that...I can't compare everyone to her as far as how evil they can be...and with you, I can't compare girls that want to make me happy to you.. I mean...it's shitty. It hurts like hell. And she could tell when we were hanging out that my mind was somewhere else. [BULLSHIT] You know what she did? She pulled me back. She kept talking. She kept hope.

Eventually she got my attention. So we're gonna go to this midnight screening tomorrow of Spiderman 3.

I'm fine with this because I'm not going back on what I said. You've made it clear that you're fine being guarded...and I know you aren't asking me to..but a part of me feels so fucking compelled to fight for you. I don't want to do it. Because I've fought..and fought..all my life for things that I want. And for this? For my...'ideology shit, I shouldn't have to fight! Even in my dream, she's the one thing I don't have to fight for! The best things in life are free..right? Love shouldn't cost a thing..and therefore, every time love does me in, I make sure that it takes nothing from me. Because it's one of the only things I can rely on.

God, I want you above all (my name) You...you have this poetry..and..ah. No use going into it. Honestly, I don't want this to be another mistake for you either. So I'm telling you. When finally figure out how good we can be..you tell me. Don't hesitate, you tell me when you're sure. Cuz I'd hate for you to look back and see that I am that guy. On that topic, I am cocky. I'm a great catch...and I don't want just any fuckin girl. I want you....but if you aren't ready, then I'm not holding my breath. This isn't goodbye, it's me acknowledging what you want...and I respect it enough to stop saying things after this letter.

and I request you call me (his alter ego name) until that day...

....The End..

This in fact..as much as he wouldn't want to make a final cut..like we had one already, before he wrote..is a Goodbye.
For good.. He won't comprehend his exclusive One...is gone now...We all want an exclusive one..Someone

who holds love for US only. Till then, we're searching. See the very first sentence of this entry.

The trade in happened:)...I'm not concerned as much as i could be..because i have no trust left..

had not rust left..I knew it...But watch the phenomenon...Funny isn't it?...Rodents..

Good, i know who i want...not.

Peace.

About the Death of Hip Hop

2007-02-13T06:25:00.000-08:00

About Hip Hop and it's supposed "Death"

I am so often forced to encounter the same bullshit discussions about hip hop, and it's so called "death"..

hip hop not being the same, hip hop not being worth as much, hip hop not to be resurrected, hip hop to be

given up on. Hip hop being just 50 , just the new BEP, Jeezy or whatever bullshitters hit the game today. Okay..sick of it. This post is rather untypical, yet still personal..and i just share this with yall to see some outlooks, opinions..I got in the writing mood..about this..And hey maybe you can just roll along with me and tell me openly what you truly feel..outside of the hotsteppin stereotypical opinion shit that was triggered in the media. This shit is truly controversial..but just try.

Topic started by someone:

"What will it take to revive hip hop to what it suppose or used to be?
what needs to be change...if not why are you content with what is being
produced as of today?

My words: About Hip Hop

There are a lot of different phenomenons taking over in this culture. I don't believe in forced or necessary change in Hip Hop. It has grown and changed to become what it needs to be. What it needs to be NOW, at this very moment, to step up and change LATER if it needs to change. It's gonna happen..no need to stress it. We can't fast forward in time, it's an evolutionary process..and it changes with the change of US, what we listen to and what we speak about..How we look at life, music, taste, style. Whatever and anything..I understand the fellow oldschool lovers, but see that..Hip Hop was raised and cared about, yet sometimes left alone and abandoned to the industry when people lost faith in the music and rather developed a slight obsession with the product itself. That's on you too. That's partly what we have today. Still you can't take away from what it is, what it always was, and what it speaks for. Ain't shit is dead..nothing was buried, nothing and noone was offered condolences. You ain't gonn walk up to Rev Run and tell him.."yo dude..hip hop is dead. I'm so sorry about your loss dude." Would you? We still talk about Hip Hop..We still listen to Pac, we still listen to Big, we still listen to the new cats who make an impression. If we weren't , we wouldn't be in this discussion. Hip Hop has grown and it has grown to VARY, not to stand still, as it is alleged so often.

There's a lot of shit to judge..a lot of shit indeed..We can start going from phony Cali hype to the NY [partly] shit burstouts starting over again pretending like making a couple of beats on an old soul sample makes shit worth listening to. We could start a discussion with 50 cent and Jeezy ruinin the industry...at the same time about artists like The Roots, Jean Grae, Kweli or Nas, lifting it up and making the best of it..We could also go back in history as we all know where it has started..and draw some examples to let everyone know what hip hop obviously had been back in the DAY. Consider though, back then it was NEW. And today, it's really really hard to REINVENT a phenomenon, a culture that has been existent for 30 years. That's like trying to press the reset button on culture generally. Move along folk. We still have the hottest bands, we have so many good artists, but hey..it's on you to not see it..

You can't see the forest for the trees...

we have a lot of new cats trying to get into the game..but how could you blame them..Hip Hop has always been that WAY out of the bs in life..it's a door opener. Ain't shit needs to change..Nothing is dead..it has never died..As i've said in the other post.. There's no need to stop changes..Saying hip hop is dead is basically an equivalent to saying a child is not a child without parents...

Hip Hop is universal, a question of taste still up to this day..whereas some folk may consider crunk as hip hop, i may not. Whereas some may think The Game is the hottest new MC around (and the number of fiends is not quite limited to be honest ), I or one of you or many of you may believe the dude is just hot crap. Why trying to change it..there's so much diversity in it now..It'll never be back to where it was NEW..stop holding on to that thought..You can't make oldschool hip hop come back cause back then it was still about the music and the lifestyle..today just too many side factors play an enormous role..Reminiscin about the days of JMJ and RunDMC , or Dela, or Dilla , Big L, Diamond D, whatever...ain't gettin us nowhere..This shit ain't comin back..Just like the year Nas dropped his first album ain't gonna come back..Move along with the changes..That's the only thing you can do to CHANGE what you do not like about it, to the positive...it's about your own attitude and your choices...When you listen to bullshit, bullshit is gonna follow you everywhere..When you check your ears and keep your eyes open, you might get away from the stereotypical opinion of dead hip hop, dead originality, godfathers of hip hop and instead, you might notice , grasp, their major impact on those many [and maybe more than you are willing to realize] artists, that could eventually FILTER and USE these original influences and combine it with their style to embody what Hip Hop means today. If you are able and willing to see beyond what is given to you on TV...God..hit up some shows, go check some freestyle sessions..listen to underground stuff or even the old Radio LP by LL, anything..there is such a grand choice you can pick from DAILY...and just solely by THAT alone, define the CHANGES you CRAVE for so badly...The change is about You...Noone else. Ain't nothing grows without guidance.

Personally.
I can't and won't complain about anything, i truly love hip hop for what it is and what it has grown to become UP to this day. If i want some real stuff, I choose to LISTEN to real music, but that's just about ME..just about what I myself regard as real. I choose to listen to my style, whatever triggers my emotions...to my old cds, to my new ones..hey i am so happy there are artists like Little Brother, JB, Lady Sovereign, Jean Grae, Papoose, Pharaohe, Mos, Nas, Jay, The Roots or even the new nerd-philosophy hype with Lupe. Talent. There are so many more around..I'm happy to get a hold of an old LP, just as I am happy to get a chance to discover a new artist that's worth listening to. Those mentioned are not necessarily new folks, but they are not oldschool, they simple were ABLE to get that impact and inject it in their OWN music. Obviously that's what we fall for today. Originality mixed with history, mixed with style and talent..They are not what you could call "oh yea the old artists, that doesn't count"..They are not something that is held on to desperately, when it's turned from a child to a teenager or an ADULT...It's that "daddy can't let his little baby go" syndrome..That's the only problem folks have..I couldn't complain about Hip hop because it's truly something that sparks my passion, my art, my soul, provokes my daily thought and outlook on life STILL TODAY..it has been that way since i was a baby. I've grown up with it. I been there in the times of 50, just like I was there in the times of LL's first Album. Listen to everything from oldschool, to whatever hits the markets and analyze what I LOVE and what i don't. If i don't wanna listen to 50 and his crap, shit i don't listen to it and move along with what I DO want to listen to. We have enough choice to make..and enough changes to make about ourselves and our opinions. There's so much room.

Two Fingers,
N w h y