Don't you dare

Ever felt like claiming the right to be shallow to escape this little bullshit world of
self-deficiency, self-determination and self-destruction?..All these little selfs make
up so much of who we are...The right to be shallow would help, to not think about
so much of what is thinkable...because often lost in thought, i realize the thinkables
hurt me..they have NO END...no end..they just go on and on and on..and you jump
from thought one to an endless world of thoughts of thought two and three and four.. and eventually lost in all of this bogus shit, you even forget what your initial idea was. You lose the red thread...You get entangled within it.

Not to mention all of these people who - once confronted with
real depth of mind, seem to never again realize that you , like them, are a normal human being..These crazy expectations of a deep mind then become our fellow followers we are trying to not disappoint when stating certain points of views, once having acquired a logical state in which every tendency of shallowness becomes embarassing for us..Talk to them and make them feel like they are worse than you..Talk to them and make them feel
like you're smarter than Them...Talk to them..Confront them with the obtuseness of their own minds, and make yourself GOD. They will love you forever...They will love you for everything you're BETTER than them. Talk About world politics, talk about economy..share the deepest philosophical outlooks on culture and society...But don't you dare to ever get tired of being deep..Don't you dare! Once, you get tired, and your deep mental state is pushed to sleep due to the constant activity, and you demand some sort of substitute peace while resting...booohoohoo..don't even dare to be "easy!"..Shut up, make yourself deaf, disappear..But Don't dare saying a word that nearly transcribes your own regularity in life...Be it grocery shopping, or dealing with regular friendship drama...Don't you dare to share..because once you disappoint them..You're just LIKE THEM! OMG! They realize, you're a human being and they become so self-conscious..in a sense where they see themselves on your level.in a sense where .all of the fame they gave you will fade...all the levels they once laid upon you, will vanish.

I guess , this is the burden of every once-deep rapper...that happened to ever write an easy song..
I guess, this is the burden of every artist, who ever happened to draw a less impressive image...
I guess, this is the burden of everyone..who is a human being..

A regular day, to which the subordinate week was plain crazy..

I'll update later..this is some real bs post..i'm tired.

You can have Him - Type Shit.. [Trade Ins - Part 2]

So...I seem to seriously attrackt psychopaths.
Where in the rotting hell have you been hidin to just pop up when
I need you the least? So homeboy is cool with me, we're buddies..for God's sake..But he's attracted to me..And I know that, all this sleezy whatever i love you talk and oh you're so sexy shit..I hear it, but at the same time I ain't hearin it...You know I'm sayin..You can hear shit, but you won't respond to it..And You can hear it..but you're not feelin it...Like seriously..if him and I were the only XX/XY chromosomes
left on this planet, Evolution would END...

So I know he is on some bullshit with his girl, and of course he's usually tellin me how he isn't ready for marriage with her..(3 1/2 yrs relationship) and she's the type of girl that'd do anything for the dude..and of course she wants to get hooked...

Hooked - on some - i have him and he isn't goin anywhere type shit..- by marriage.. And he's the type of fella, who's indecisive as ass, and doesn't wanna get on that "i ain't goin nowhere" type shit..cause he holds his doors open..just eventually for another person to come around, and take him away. So..this relationship is either based on sexuality solely..or it's just

consuetude...

A bad habit.. He's constantly complaining about her, (the little shits..you know the looks and the way she's buggin out on the jealousy tip..and seriously i could care less.) and dealing with other females she
doesn't know about. And this is the regularity about dudes like him..
Thats what females run into..And I been there..and he ..like Dana
Gilmore said on DPJam, he was on that Donell Jones -
"I don't know where I wanna be" type shit..that almost killed my braincells...
because we end up wondering and doing more and more to please this person and make them ours..But in the end..
all of this confusion talk is just a bunch of idiotic crap composted by an idiotic person who is simply waiting for something
better to come around to leave your ass alone..or come back to you after he realized the trade-in he picked, could never reach up to you...And this is the man..that I call..the love of my life...along with this Donell Jones type shit.
That's what we end up feeling while trying to analyze the situation and our heart is bleeding and bleeding and..we lose so much blood , we eventually lose ourselves.


(Read - trade ins..shit's just everywhere man..) .



And she..i don't KNOW her..But she's the type of female who may discuss everything with
her homegirls and seek depth in HIM but he's just too shallow to see the heck she wants...
More than anything, I'm sure he isn't even trying..Okay..so things weren't going great
for the past weeks between em..by what he's told me..And i kept telling him it's his own fault.. He's started to get accustomed to some older woman who is in their common circle of friends.. Again..his girlfriend doesn't know...he's on some serious shit..and if he wasn't a friend..I might as well put this dude in the place for dissing his girl like that. Because i've been through this and I know how it feels..

So i wake up today ..great busy Saturday..and I happen to not have spoken to the dude in about a month now due to business, and we're buddies and i know all about that.. "oh i care about u so much"..and "oh i love you"..and "oh let's get married" type shit.. So i kept skippin those lines, ignoring them..until he started talkin to me normally..

Okay..I happen to as well receive this text this morning..and i am caught up betweenthe need to bust out Laughing at this shit..and getting seriously MAD at him even putting me between the chairs. Cause ..for God's sake..yet again i don't have ANYTHING to do with this situation..I've known him for years, but at the same time I barely know him..Feel me?.




Girlfriend messages me:

Subject: u can have him... im done

i knoe u must have heard alot about me but I really am not the way
he says I am, that is his only way of trying to get to decent looking
females I knoe he wants to move u in and he loves u and all that shit,

I am practically giving him 2 u hunny, thank u 4 saving me from that
psychoatic fool I wasted 3 yrs of my life! have fun the both of u, by the way
tell him im terminating it!

he will knoe wut that means and i am finally over him thankxz "

So what do you respond to something like that....

First of all, I got fucking mad while chuckling at the same time at the ridiculousness
of the situation..For one..I don't know her..For two, i have never even once flirted with him.. for 3..this dude must be fucking nuts. So I chilled, and replied..

Subject: I'm not even slightly interested in ole boy.

I wanted to let you know, this shit isn't about me..maybe there's another fem. But i'm just his friend, I don't know what he told you.. But i have never been interested in him, even in a least bit.

What happened? I know yall been going through things and i know he's not always actin right.. I've always told him tobe respectful.

Don't worry girl, it's not about the way he feels for you,he loves you...Seriously,i don't want ole boy. He's just a friend to me.

And what's that thing with..he wants to move
me in? What the heck? I have my own place to stay girl..Move me in? Crazy? Why would i move in with him? This must be a misunderstanding.. What the went wrong?

I know there's some drama..but seriously girl, it isn't even about me..You should deal with him ánd talk about it... because it's straight fucked up..

No matter he's my friend and all.. that's not my style...He's taken and i could

care less about him, other than friendship wise. Talk to him cause i see something went wrong right here in communications.

Love "

This is this You can Have him type shit...

Man yall must be fucking crazy....craaaaaaazy.

And this is the reason why women cannot Trust..Trust in fucking what?
Empty promises? I can so feel homegirls words right now..Seriously..

This shit isn't about me..And i'm glad she ain't bothered to diss me
But i've been in the situation and i know how tough this is...And i've
been in her shoes once..And this is the hardest way to walk..the hardest
steps to take...


This is by far the only thing men will never understand
about choices.Shit like that is killing you and your faith to

find someone truthful.

Peace

The Emotional - Trade - In

First of all let me say.....We always know..who we truly love. And who we don't.

We always know...the real potential bunch ofpeople who we'd do well with, in case a relationship was in the possible frame.We know who we want. There is no denying in that.

This might be one of those precipitous entries, hitting you, colliding with you, when facing a freshly unresolved situation, puzzled yet by it's lack of sincere irony..I'm dwelling on this shit as it's some serious shit..And it hurts..

to realize this is an absolute term, applicable to each person in this world.

I'm wondering about relationships and trophies..

Either one is not too far from the other..Trust me. You will be guessing why I feel

this way in the course of this entry..But I've come to encounter people being traded

in like trophies, platinum,gold, silver ones..The value of a person changes within the amount of time and the grade of connection you share with them..As well, it changes more than anything with the lack of balance of emotional exchange.

When you don't give as much as you gave before..or too much, either way, you face being traded in. More than anything your worth is easily transferred onto a new someone who shares a greater bundle of current ideologies of life of the trader. No concreteness minded here. Have you ever wondered whether the person that is steadily claiming the exclusivity of their love for solely you, to have a trade-in person to give this same love to, in case you and them don't work out?...Believe it or not, I'd suggest for you to believe it.. We all have our trade-ins...

Serious or not..We bullshit a lot, we fake

a lot...Not in evil ways..call it flirting ..
ACCUMULATING LOVE.

HUNTERS AND GATHERERS. We all are...Proud owners of trophies.

We accumulate emotional baggage and this way keep ourselves safe from a greater hurt, that is only to face us when we truly have Loved someone once. Being single is not easy, it's not hard either.. My thoughts on this one seem confused, I'm trying to solve that puzzle,
but All i'm really saying is...

We all have our trade-ins.. We all have someone, we have a potentiality of getting with, most of the time. If we truly worked towards it..it wouldn't be ashard with them, as it'd be with aperfect stranger.. because either way, while digging deeper with only one.. Exclusive One of our liking, We still keep the rands close to us. For emotional stability, for our literal sake,for the assembly of our hurt ego, if the exclusive one happens to not be as interested, or not as much into it, as they once were.

I've always been fond of the existence of this phenomenon - Trade -.

We do it...We do it consciously. Not intended, as per wanting to hurt

someone actively, but, we do it to save our souls...It's so fucking funny,

we are ridiculous. If he doesn't work out..Take the next one...Work towards them, and turn them into whatever the last person wasn't ready to be for you. We don't push as forward as to actually getting with them..and facing a fake relationship..but we go as far as our ego lets us...Sometimes we go too far.

This is something rodents do..We're like fuckin rodents..Why Rodents?.. You know, take hamsters n shit...These little fuckers stack food the same way we stack emotional depth with diverse characters..With the only aim of this

accumulation being security and prevention in cold times..

Funny huh...This shit's too sad to be true, but it's true and thus it's sad. We stack it all up like it's food...

Just that we eat emotions..absorb emotions, breathe emotions and feel stronger and greater and better knowing a bunch of people out there would love to be that exclusive one for us..At the same time, we never cease to want to forget that eventually, our trade-ins have their own trade-ins..

And once THEIR exclusive ones vanish, we become the main center of transferred attention in their current life of love.

I hope you're getting this...This is kind of unsorted..but main points stated..

Want some real shit? This is a real conversation with someone I wasn't, am not

ever going to be ready for....But this is the phenomenon of trade in..How funny,

after all that is being claimed by this person before the emotional decline from Me,

his eventual Exclusive One, just a couple of minutes ago. Now, the exclusivity

was transferred onto GirlXY...whose name I erased as it's rather irrelevant..

The trade-in:

Person X hits me up after an indefinite point of time after a complete cease

of communication. Why we stopped conversing? It just happened to be

the lack of interest. I reply to his question as per why I haven't kept

in touch.

1) Response; Me to Person X's first Text: [post unnecessary, context clear.]

Okay...so

I'm here thinking..we don't talk for almost a month while the last message we ever exchanged was an "alright." sent by me..after you basically say you didn't care and i could do whatever floats my boat...So now..I'm confused..about the casual note..about the casual words...about the casual reasons...I'm not too sure , there's nothing for you to prove to me, you know you're not my boyfriend, never were..But it confuses me...For a while, you leave me alone..and then I'm back visually..more or less casually as well..back in your picture, and you do remember me..You never said you didn't want to speak to me again, yet again at the time given, the things and the point we came to when I shared, i didn't feel as much that you were ready to deal with whatever i had to say..and nor did i ever expect for you to ever get ready to deal with it. .And i know it's too much for you.
I told you from the start.

2) Response: Person X to Me: [situation after an eventual cutoff]

No,

Stop.You just kept shooting down everything positive that I'd say. And it was like, there was no reaching you. So I just gave in to what you were saying. Saying that you're ultimately gonna do what you want anyway. Which is true. No...I'm not your boyfriend, but how many fuckin times have I said I would! In less than a heartbeat, I'd say yes, if you ever asked me to be that guy. Lord knows, you know, I wanna be that guy. I AM that guy just that you aren't ready... but I never wanted to push you away or be pushed away, ...god, I care about you. I never wanted to stop...I just figured you'd tell me when you had more to say..other than..'alright'. I don't get what you mean about a picture...but I've never stopped thinking about you, wondering when I'd hear from you, or attempting to call you..because that's how much I care. You gawt me.

3) Response: Me to Person X..

Date: 02 May 2007, 07:58

Hey Person X,

I kept shooting down everything positive you had to say? - And how is that? I mean...what is positive?..

The fact that i haven't consciously responded to the romantic expressions..loveable words or promises

said by you?...or to your hopes for the future? -

I'd rather not respond when I don't even know where I stand or where I want to stand, where I am able to stand..I can't tell you one thing, and feel another, I'm never going to be the person to tell you something

out of a simple yet again "casual" mood, or emotional outburst..just because eventually it could please your feelings if I started the "honey" -talk, that I COULD start..But i'm not the type of woman to do that....

I just can't do it. I know how it is to be played, I know how it feels to be hurt so bad because people say things to you, they don't truly mean..I'm not trying to be one of those bastards who play with so's heart..because I know what it felt like when they played with mine.

I cannot, and will not respond anything romantic or sexual in whatever context to you, as long as I don't know you enough to say we're heading ways..I'm sorry if that is the positivity response you are missing, but I won't do this to you..It would hurt because one day you will be expecting it after I say it once...And then the next day maybe I won't be able to say it twice..And you will be wondering Why...And the response to why would be..I don't KNOW why. Because i'm not sure whether I can keep up with the risks of a relationship...Again, I told you why and what..and when and how...Even if i wanted to say anything sweet to you, cause you deserve it..because you know as well I could do that..It's too hard for me and I just dont feel at ease with the most simplistic shit with you... Being that sweet lovable and lovegiving little naive thing..I've been through too much for too long.


We been there, and I been telling you these things in 2005...when we got to know each other, which should let you know I am different when I'm truly open with you..But things have changed for me...life flipped 180. I've grown..I feel so old you wouldn't believe it. I could be there jokin and foolin around and making
sincere love-references all day...when maybe just a year ago, that's all I could do because I truly loved him.. so intensely. But I can't let loose and seriously, i don't know why..Maybe i just don't have that trust left..I'm too tensed ..My guards are up, and i've tried long enough to let it all down..But this shit makes me vulnerable..Whenever I get to fall in love, it makes me the weakest person. I won't be sitting here watching how you deal with other women...I won't because again it makes me feel like I could eventually later turn out to be just one of them..no matter the case or not.

I felt as if i said so much, seriously, i felt like an idiot at some point because i was telling you about my

feelings for someone else.How stupid, shit how stupid??? But i thought of you first and foremost as a friend. That's some bogus shit but eventually all that is stuck inside of me is what i told you and that's just the simpliest truth..Would you rather want to have me rush into something I'd flee from in a couple of days, weeks or months once the situation turns out to be threatening my emotions or my feelings for you, any feelings i have for you at all, friendship, romance? if it got any deeper from this point on, if we got in a relationship? Do you seriously want that?

I don't think so. Cause shit would hurt you and it would take away all of your faith in a healthy relationship like it's taken away mine. Now aside from all love oaths, and all promises and hopes, You wouldn't want me to start
something I'm not Into, just to have us get romantic...which then leads to having us get sexual one day...and then...to leaving each other alone because things haven't started at the right time and the right place..due to impatience?..insecurity?..

Same as you figured I'd write, I figured you were done. Because, no disrespect...that's what it is.We've beend one...and I've said ok and maybe thought it's for the better this way none of us gets hurt..or risks getting hurt in the course of the situation..I don't know what we're meant to be...I wish someone gave me some tracks to follow...Shit, strew some crumbs along the way, someone , god whoever is upstairs..so i know this isn't yet another mistake...This is what i'm feeling about the approach ..about the risks and the failures that i've been through.

This is why there is no idiotic response to your steady emotional sincerity..from my side..I'm sincere with what I give you and as much as I can give to you..I'm not ready for more.

4) Person X's response: The TRADE IN...Watch this carefully.

I appreciate your honesty.. Eventhough this still hurt, it didn't hurt the way it could've. ..I just have to respect what you want. Don't worry, I won't..I won't say anything that provokes 'sweet' thoughts or..anything. I'll just continue to be the only me I can be..and uhm, from there..hope you fall in love with who I am on your own..and not what I say to you.

I'm no player...I'm not what everyone thinks. I have tons of female friends, yeah..but because I listen. I give advice. Half the girls I know are friends of friends who met me through my buds and want my advice on certain guys. I'll admit, someone is grabbing my interest..but I just met her. I'm not going to lie to you, because I never have and I don't intend on starting.

[MIND ME, the AUTHOR OF THIS...THIS WAS NEW TO ME.]

Tomorrow night, I'm going to pick up a girl to see a movie with her. GirlXY. I waited as long as I could, without hearing from you, and just decided...shit..she's nice..and she wants to get to know me. That's all this is right now, is still feeling each other out...but you know...I know how it is to be hurt. and...we're two different people, but there's no way that I'm giving up on relationships just because one fucking whore (his ex) screwed up what I thought was a good relationship. I say fuck that because everyone isn't the same. Everyone isn't gonna hurt me. And then, I have to face that...I can't compare everyone to her as far as how evil they can be...and with you, I can't compare girls that want to make me happy to you.. I mean...it's shitty. It hurts like hell. And she could tell when we were hanging out that my mind was somewhere else. [BULLSHIT] You know what she did? She pulled me back. She kept talking. She kept hope.


Eventually she got my attention. So we're gonna go to this midnight screening tomorrow of Spiderman 3.

I'm fine with this because I'm not going back on what I said. You've made it clear that you're fine being guarded...and I know you aren't asking me to..but a part of me feels so fucking compelled to fight for you. I don't want to do it. Because I've fought..and fought..all my life for things that I want. And for this? For my...'ideology shit, I shouldn't have to fight! Even in my dream, she's the one thing I don't have to fight for! The best things in life are free..right? Love shouldn't cost a thing..and therefore, every time love does me in, I make sure that it takes nothing from me. Because it's one of the only things I can rely on.

God, I want you above all (my name) You...you have this poetry..and..ah. No use going into it. Honestly, I don't want this to be another mistake for you either. So I'm telling you. When finally figure out how good we can be..you tell me. Don't hesitate, you tell me when you're sure. Cuz I'd hate for you to look back and see that I am that guy. On that topic, I am cocky. I'm a great catch...and I don't want just any fuckin girl. I want you....but if you aren't ready, then I'm not holding my breath. This isn't goodbye, it's me acknowledging what you want...and I respect it enough to stop saying things after this letter.

and I request you call me (his alter ego name) until that day...

....The End..

This in fact..as much as he wouldn't want to make a final cut..like we had one already, before he wrote..is a Goodbye.
For good.. He won't comprehend his exclusive One...is gone now...We all want an exclusive one..Someone

who holds love for US only. Till then, we're searching. See the very first sentence of this entry.

The trade in happened:)...I'm not concerned as much as i could be..because i have no trust left..

had not rust left..I knew it...But watch the phenomenon...Funny isn't it?...Rodents..

Good, i know who i want...not.

Peace.