Awoken by the penetrance of a 7am call by some jerk, my eyes crawled into the day abruptly. A thought hit me, terrified me, scared me so bad I couldn't fall back asleep. It was the thought of october. The thought of october 1st alarmed my mind and weakened my heart. Not only is october the month of all of my pain, it's the birth month of both of my ex men, of whom one definitely..is ..that one. The person, who while hurting me more than anything in my entire life at our quits, is the one that I as well love more than anything or anyone else in it, while having subtly erased him out of my life after all the pain never left. I knew this week was something else, a nightmare, or maybe a prophecy of something terrible yet to come..but this uncertain feeling of october 1st, on a june 21st, caught me.
My eyes shut wide, my heart racing, almost certain that one of these days I was going to face a confrontation with both of these men that hurt me... This entry is kind of personal and i'm almost feeling embarassment or rather shallowness posting this, but as I don't post much , i will give this a shot to get over it.
It was june 21st and I was scared that time fast forwarded me 4 months ahead, to october, while little ole me - hurt.. unhappy - would have to congratulate those men for their mothers giving birth to them..congratulate them on the insertion into this life's existence..that happens to be nothing but a menace to my own.
Hasty, still confused in my sheets, with my long hair on my eyes and lips, sweating, i grabbed my cellphone to check todays' date and make sure this was just a nightmare...And thank God, it was. A sole month scares the bones out of my skin.
Looking at the datebook, i saw it was June, but i didn't register it as june just then..All that mattered - it wasn't october. I was relieved..my eyes shut..I fell back asleep confused by this sudden emotion..this fear.
I didn't know, neither did i remember it was june..june didn't matter.
I am scared of having to face those, that brought nothing pain and sufferings to me, physically, emotionally, and this fear makes me weak. While having moved on...with no glimpse of hope, pity or remorse left inside me, it threatened my soul, to have to face him.., still so unhappy...just as unhappy as he left me, after all we've given to each other, with nothing but my pride left. And i'll still always love him..because he's a part of me. He - my best friend and my lover..once..still left a void that could not be filled by anyone that followed....What hurts the most, he'll never again have the chance to know how much i really loved...unconditionally..and still do.
Who would have ever thought, we would once just be memories..
Once the love of my life, he is now my worst pain...because once, forever, we said,
"he is I and I am him"...
It's not a - holding on- entry...take it for what it is..it's just what i feel...just simple & real.
