the logical perspective

You'll be able to guess the topic as you read through the post..
You'll even be able to tell the situation reading the post.
You'll see...how many women do have the problem dealing with a man's main flaw....the make-belief that they lack of emotions, when women do grant insight in theirs. It's funny..Most people nowadays, would categorize me as rather rational..Personally, i would say, i've acquired a good share of both sides..to understand both worlds..Not as naive, but yet still loving. It's possible to be understanding and be understood. I feel i've been through so much with love, dealing with this topic especially, that now, at 24, i did have to cut pieces of my own emotional burstouts, just to understand myself better. Not to understand a man..but to understand ME. Logics is healthier... even though it's the overload of emotions that equals fulfillment or life.



My reply #1.

he's too careless to start with..(i mean particularly about the topic "us"..)..thus i can just assume, that he's making it easy for himself to be dealing with you, knowing that you're feeling him..(trust me, he can tell you like him just by the way you talk to him..)..I think the whole distance issue is just a given excuse..I'm pretty sure he'd pursue more if you were in NY or he in LA, but for some given reason, things aren't like that..so of course he's not gonna look for commitment..it's hard to be dealing with a distance relationship and yeah women, go for that, because they'd do anything for a man they "love"..but..men won't..D won't..you know he's a little independent soul..it's funny him and tony probably have the same prollem, lol, but it's still funny how they look for advice from one another..brotherhood..you know. Just that their answers will be the same to one another too. Ya know..so no real progress..Look at what happens there, just don't lose yourself..You may be missing out on plenty of opportunities that are closer to you..And hey if it's meant to happen, you and him will be closer in the long run..just give it time, and don't force it.

Edited at 2008-07-24 12:25 pm (local)

Homegirl:

[info]"I can always count on u to help me see the logical perspective , and I'm thankful for that (cuz I usually be 100% emotion, typical woman! lol). And I would definitely have to agree with you on those 2 points: 1)the distance is an excuse (and a lame one at that), and 2) he's an independent soul. Theres no doubting that. I think I'll be distancing myself for a while. We'll see what happens. It'd be nice if somewhere in the future we'd be in the same vicinity of each other, but I guess I'll have to leave that up to Fate(?)/God(?)/The Universe(?)/Time(?) to decide."

[info]ny My reply.

I've been where you are now, (analyzing on the emotional side) some time ago..You're a woman and it's okay for you to be registering things from that perspective..i think it's men who need to switch up the sarcasm and drought of their views, because honestly, behind all this nonemotional bs, they are the ones trying to do anything and talking all that sweet mess, when they're in a position where they need to GET YOU. When it's you chasing them,all of a sudden this whole "I would do anything for you, you're the greatest woman I've ever met"..thing, seems like a foreign language to them..They know well how to speak it, but you know , i guess when the chase is not on their side, and you're the one being the "conqueror", it gets boring for them..With D, I believe you gotta be less...predictable, as he says..Basically, i bet he wouldn't expect from you to be dealing with any other male, because internally he does expect you to be into him...He knows you're a woman and he


knows what kind of woman you are. Not that you'd take anything, but you'll stick around, wait, build that friendship, and soak in pieces that you DO get from him..and he knows that..He is certain that you would take anything from him as long as he is willing to give you ANY thing that he chooses to give you. Be it, a little smile, you will be happy, be it a little word, that will be far less meaningless to him than it will be to you..because u ll sit around and try to analyze it..Be it, a little compliment or side comment, that will drive you crazy because you'll ponder on how he could have meant what he said...He knows he has that power over you, and it may be a time where you make him believe he still has it, but try to focus on other guys..you may be missing the forrest for one tree. You know..one old tree, that is rooted and that will not cut its roots for you just yet, because they're quite comfortable where they at.



Like Dom's quote indicates...He may just be waiting around, flirting with you..and one day you get up and homeboy finds himself a girl out in NYC that is there..and where he has no room for excuses about distance or whatever shit he's on.

Next time you dwell Nat, try to see what he may be saying, from his perspective...taking into account, every negative and positive ..characteristic about him and the way he usually says things.

And hey..I like d, you know, i know him But, behind every great person, there's also a few traits, that are not loveable..And we often miss them when we try to make them one of the greatest people in our lives..You gotta learn to take him as he is, and not for the good things he says to you...He's by far not as great as one may believe,[not a diss], If i were to not know him, i would almost say he's playing with your emotions because behind this whole, "you know the deal, distance etc." talk that he claims is making things impossible....- when a man wants a woman, he'll do anything to keep / get her..thus, all this talk, is just..you know, his weakness..

[just think about what a stranger would say to you, were you to describe the situation to them and describe his actions. I feel almost biased because i can't really diss him..because he's a homebody..but you know..just take it realistically..he's a man.. he's single, and if he wanted some, he could get some from anyone.. He is not committed.]

Take it as that, maybe seeing him being the weak, see him be the non-direct person he is, the man who is scared to tell you he's either feeling you or not feeling you with no euphemistic expressions or beating around the bush, as we could say it, he's just a man scared to be the bad guy, because he 1) would hurt your feelings 2) would admit he's not gonna be there..3) too weak to stop flirting with you making you believe there's room for more One day.

Plan B - Git up, Git out..

" We are not creatures of circumstance; we are creators of circumstance" ~ B. Disraeli

I seem to have lost my desire to take people seriously within the last few years.
I mean, yeah, quite a few factors of personal nature played into it, but now that
the past has "passed" and evolved me into new ways and perspectives, most people seem like a big joke to me. lol, and no, not a funny joke joke..maybe more like..ironic characters who don't know where they belong, so they're running wild, confused, just like all of us do, and can't seem to find a place of their own.BECAUSE THEY REFUSE TO. A state of confusion seems to be more attractive, mysterious, even ...consuming, than, a state of total clarity. I don't know what could possibly be attractive about a character that is always discontent with everything and everyone around them. But some people do make themselves believe, that their "struggle" makes them cute.

IT's not.

I have noticed that people who I do admire today, don't really ever seem to have any attacks of self-pity and dwellings, as opposed to those characters who I despise, as they don't seem to be moving forward but get stuck because they do not ever consider taking plan b, when plan a has not worked out for many years , many tears and many questions. They seem to get stuck not just for their fixation on plan a (some call it perseverance, if you want to go naively "positive" on this shit. Others, like me, may call it ignorance = lack of knowledge of else.) Ignorance, because they refuse to expand their views, fear taking new ways, and refuse to be themselves, as they should be - be without limitations that plan A puts them in. Plan A can also be called, the safe way to the total downfall.

Plan A could be..

- a desperate focus on staying in a broken relationship that doesn't move forward
- a relationship that has been in shambles and turns
into a failing attempt of reunion.
- a relationship consisting of unreturned love, crushes,
sexual interventions evolving into one sided emotional outbursts.
- a state of self - pity for reason x and y in your life.
- a state of self - pity pondering over your family situation, where you desperately do make yourself believe that you are in fact the only person of your age in this world dealing with this. I mean c'mon.? You can't be serious? Do you honestly believe,just because people don't spend nearly as much time mentioning their struggles, as you do, and thus spare you the moments of self-love-slash-hatred you keep filling your life with, they do not have problems worse than yours to worry about? Turn on the tv, if you can't actually see it in their faces. Maybe the media will feed you a little dose of reality.

- a state where you make yourself believe that the world revolves around you and you only and that people not calling you, or people you consider your friends should be there for you all the time. Some do have a life...

This could be continued, but i'm good on these few examples as they could be elaborated.

I mean, realize, we all go through shit, but have you honestly heard of a successful character who dwells on their mistakes, their mishaps, their failures? Have you? HELL NO. Show me, one Gates, one Carter, one Jones, one anyone, who has ever taken it far, that is sitting there dwelling on whatever they did while growing up, whatever went wrong in their family, childhood, love life. Let it define you, Yes, you can, let it play into whoever you are becoming, learn from it, cut it off, but learn from it, it will be a part of you that will shine through. But Get the fuck up and stop whining. PLAN A does not always work. Plan B sometimes DOES. If you don't...

In the end, you get the same situation from various perspectives. You are the dumbass stuck in self pity. You make yourself feel so sorry for yourself, then attempting to make everyone else feel sorry for you..that you do lose sight of everything and everyone else. Now just when you feel nobody cares for you, or refuses to listen to your bullshit, you forget that it's you, who's selfish. You forget that there are people dealing with different issues, not obliged to be there for you. Friends are there by choice, not by force.


Enough of this..i'll be hittin the pillow.
I just caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't take yall seriously. Good God...


"You need to git up, git out and git somethin
Don't let the days of your life pass by
You need to git up, git out and git somethin
Don't spend all your time tryin to get high
You need git up, git out and git somethin
How will you make it if you never even try
You need to git up, git out and git somethin
Cuz you and I got to do for you and I"

Nuff Said

Star Inside Of Me

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Reasonable Doubt

Life. What leads us to becoming indifferent towards [xy]? Is it the oh so shameful lack of gratitude or the overload of disasters clashing with our busy lives? For my part, it may be the reasonable doubt that my so called momentary destiny was in fact meant for me. I refuse to accept. Has somebody up there confused my plan with failure or am I simply followed by the wrong choices even while knocking on the right doors?

If it was ingratitude, am I wrong? Should I appreciate the little things in life if life's significance to me are the things I work to achieve,- accomplishments - because the little things are no
longer a challenge to me? Should I still be grateful for the chance of having those, even though I had already worked and gotten to them solely by my own dedication? Pretty often, this gratitude thing, and the so holy preachy "be grateful, somebody else is worse off" shit just doesn't apply.
Would you settle for less, and suppress your devotion of becoming more than you're offered by circumstance, just to please the thought of false modesty and accepted chasteness?
Why mourn then instead of trying to help or change what
limits you or those you're concerned about?


Actions speak louder than words, but they are so much harder. In the end, you don't help a suffering child by talking, you just boost your ego off it, pretending to be all that you're not. Disguising yourself with words holier than thou.


I detest seeing people in "attempt to care" when for their part they don't. They just attempt to. Plus all those that keep verbally spamming you with words of wisdom about the appreciation of life..when all these words, are quotables, heard a thousand times, personally applied - not once - by them. Some bullish that tickles my brain. This is the answer to the very first question. My indifference originates from these very people with their very [shams of] words.

A lot of questions here..Egotripping never ends and there are too many phrases wasted meaninglessly in disguise, because in the end, we [should] never settle for less, and continuously strive for more.

That's the verisimilitude of challenges - the dream.

Real Hip Hop?

CLICK PLAY.

Isn't this by far realer than everything released in the last 5 months?
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close...Click it or fool yourself.

hip hop ?

Ambition

Question Marks..

Sometimes i wonder whether it's my ambition that limits me the most. Whilekids or let's call them young adults my age settle for jobs, it's not a job that i want, but a successful and flourishing career. I don't know why it's so hard these days watching all of these overrated folks make it in the industries*, whirring around the cities obtruding their hustle* onto each potential customer, who happens to inject $-signs in their eyes while the muzak plays the tunes of a money-hungry cash desk waiting to give little exchange for big expenditures.

I want to have a career because i refuse to settle for less. Less then I can achieve, less than I can do, because I have too many raw talents and I know and am able to do so much more than life offers me. Now, ain't that a bitch, that ..this whole "gameplan" of "making it if you try" is conditioned by thesupport your 1. parents give you , be it of emotional or financial nature, 2. the support your environment gives you seeing you're trying, 3. the confidence you have about being THE SHYT, while nobody believes in you. I believe the first one, parental faith and support in all matters is what is most necessary for a child, even a teenager, or adult.

If your closest ones don't teach you to strive to achieve, nor help you open any of the doors that smooth the way to your destinatinated talents, there is nobody and nothing that will ever be able to show you. If you're damaged by their negligence and slackness in the essential years of your conscious thinking, you will surely get screwed in the long run...It's gonna be so much

harder.

At 23, and 10 years of missing parental love and support, nor any faith or belief that one day their child could make it, [because they failed to live properly, and accepted the given, while watching me quietly while I - rugrat - stand out in all matters..], I stand confused and limited by the lack of 1. emotional 2. financial possibilities to step into the future happily. How great and different would life be, had they provided the proper understandings, push-on nature and dedication, when it was most needed. Not saying difference = greatness. No it's not that. Not solely. People are cruel once they have given up on reaching a better life, because it seemed too hard. I hate such people. Now just think about it..considering, those
are your own parents. You are forced to develop some sort of hypocritical approach to them. You love those people, but you hate their lack of ambition, because that's that slacky shit that made them stop [or not even start] pushing for you.

Gave my all, in school, work, in life, in love and friendships.Been slapped with nothing but pain in all maters. I hope the positive receipt for all of this will be handed in due time. How unfair would it be...if trying harder than others
was nonsense, right? But hey..then again...remember they said..Life's a bitch..and then you die ....Watchout, quoting two of the biggest in this post..Guess who?!
That was random.

Show me a way to use what I have, because what i have is unlimited..
Shouldn't my possibilities be?

Now by myself, all i have are the..great shambles of the big dream..trying

to put the puzzle together as days go by. One day? - From rags to riches..I ain't dumb, I got 99 problems ....

Best of Me

Loved you, Lost you

Thought I'd give you all the best of me, uhhh
We departed, broken hearted,
I need to be free
What we had was oh so lovely
I'll swallow my pain,
It's my time to find the best of me

Can't be the type to be begging
Can't be the type to plead,
My mama made me much wiser,
What's mine will be just for me, yeah
I'm trying hard to just focus,
I'm trying hard to sleep,
Promise I'm glad you're happy
When it's my time it will be.
Look I'm moving on.

+

I could’ve stayed in that place too long.
I would’ve made it okay for you to do me wrong.
I would’ve played the role one more day
If I didn’t hear my conscience say:
stop, look around, is this where you belong?
Look at yourself: are you weak, are you strong?
I realize that it's all up to me to make myself happy.
Finally I walked away, never would’ve seen this day,
givin’ up on those things that hurt me made me who I am today.
(Brandy - Finally; Afrodisiac[2004])

All alone

God be sending me signs like my future is preordained
my timing keep gettin fucked, the wires still havent came
and all I do is object but my shit ain't never sustained
wonder if I keep on trying then will I finally attain
wonder if I'll ever feel like I got nobody to blame..Mayne!


Feels like..the world just keeps crushing down on me.

Self-Awareness.

What I breathe.

"The world's seen me lookin' in the mirror,
Images of me, gettin' much clearer,
Dear Self, I wrote a letter just to better my soul,
If I don't express it then forever I'll hold, inside..."

Give Up the Goods...

So it's pretty much the end of the week (friday duh..) and the day's been
kind of busy..I picked up my homegirl from the airport, haven't seen her in
two years, she's beenout in D.C. and Detroit, and is now moving to Jersey..
Now she's stopped by for a month to chill with the peps / fam..etc....

Man i had the craziest ride. Trying to find some

parking - impossible, Ended up driving around the damn airport..AAAAHH!
Then her plane got in at what.. 12.48 or something..We actually been there
at..11.30(FUGG!)..(Hates waiting.) C was in a bad mood, bitching all day a
bout some pity shit, working my nerves. We ended up arguing at the airport
and on the way back like 2 yr olds I was like wtf. We argued about
flowers, about people, about moods, about plans, about

fucken shoes.! Bullpiss. Some days just aren't made
for human beings.

Other than that, her return made me rather upset for undisclosed reasons..

The situation I'm dealing with..reminded me of..Life's a bitch and then you die lol..
Thanks Nasir. You know some people are lucky enough to just have shit undeserved.
Fams, friends, Love, dough..Most of us, lack these "qualities" or just have single
particularities of them...and sure, we acquire personal wealth instead..
Those that face struggles all their life, grow up more mature, deeper, wise

beyond age, mentally less dependent..but made dependent by the circumstance
of their surrounding. It's sad..How much is either one of those depths worth,
while one brings you forward in a matarialistic scenario, and the other "just" makes
you the "better quality" person, while you're being shitted on.

Shit still smells right..Either way you put it. Euphemizing the circumstance is a bitch.

While money might be the most influential issue, when "creating" your life, the way

you want it.

Um..I was thinkin bout hittin the club tonight with everyone "celebrating" her visit,
but I'll pass onthat..(Thinking: I'm 23, it's friday, and i'm at home, while all of my
friends are out..what a loser.) It's just one of those days, i don't feel too great..
Been crying yesterday, now I'm still upset cause the problem's unsolved and I
don't really see a way how to solve it just yet, So this "nowayout"-mode drags along.
Frustrated with everything, This adds up to: I don't know what to wear, don't wanna do

my hair or walk in the rain, don't wanna miss my dear bed tonight, and get home at 5
am with my clothes smellin like shit...I don't wanna get hit on by these dudes..I don't
wanna see my ex. ETC. I don't want this and i don't want that..

SHORT CUT: I'm bitching. Blaaaah!!!! Why not just stay at home..
Even though right about now I feel like I'm missin out on partying with them for once..
You know this shit irks...It's like..DAMMMIT...I wanna be there..but then...NAWWW...
Stay your ass home now, do laundry, get some pizza, read a book and chill.
(How Boring.)

randomness

I did wanna go..Fucken bs..I don't even know what i want right now,

something just doesn't seem right..I been contemplating going out

for the last 4 hrs..and ended up wanting to stay home just to question

that decision again.

Blah..i'll go..get my pizza. spaghetti.

October in June

Awoken by the penetrance of a 7am call by some jerk, my eyes crawled into the day abruptly. A thought hit me, terrified me, scared me so bad I couldn't fall back asleep. It was the thought of october. The thought of october 1st alarmed my mind and weakened my heart. Not only is october the month of all of my pain, it's the birth month of both of my ex men, of whom one definitely..is ..that one. The person, who while hurting me more than anything in my entire life at our quits, is the one that I as well love more than anything or anyone else in it, while having subtly erased him out of my life after all the pain never left. I knew this week was something else, a nightmare, or maybe a prophecy of something terrible yet to come..but this uncertain feeling of october 1st, on a june 21st, caught me.

My eyes shut wide, my heart racing, almost certain that one of these days I was going to face a confrontation with both of these men that hurt me... This entry is kind of personal and i'm almost feeling embarassment or rather shallowness posting this, but as I don't post much , i will give this a shot to get over it.

It was june 21st and I was scared that time fast forwarded me 4 months ahead, to october, while little ole me - hurt.. unhappy - would have to congratulate those men for their mothers giving birth to them..congratulate them on the insertion into this life's existence..that happens to be nothing but a menace to my own.


Hasty, still confused in my sheets, with my long hair on my eyes and lips, sweating, i grabbed my cellphone to check todays' date and make sure this was just a nightmare...And thank God, it was. A sole month scares the bones out of my skin.

Looking at the datebook, i saw it was June, but i didn't register it as june just then..All that mattered - it wasn't october. I was relieved..my eyes shut..I fell back asleep confused by this sudden emotion..this fear.

I didn't know, neither did i remember it was june..june didn't matter.
I am scared of having to face those, that brought nothing pain and sufferings to me, physically, emotionally, and this fear makes me weak. While having moved on...with no glimpse of hope, pity or remorse left inside me, it threatened my soul, to have to face him.., still so unhappy...just as unhappy as he left me, after all we've given to each other, with nothing but my pride left. And i'll still always love him..because he's a part of me. He - my best friend and my lover..once..still left a void that could not be filled by anyone that followed....What hurts the most, he'll never again have the chance to know how much i really loved...unconditionally..and still do.

Who would have ever thought, we would once just be memories..

Once the love of my life, he is now my worst pain...because once, forever, we said,
"he is I and I am him"...



It's not a - holding on- entry...take it for what it is..it's just what i feel...just simple & real.

Bus Stories: R-e-s-p-e-c-t.

Hit-ons on the bus. Lack of tactics never ceases to impress me.

Situation:

I get on the bus, sit down, trying to call my homegirl...
See this dude approach me..Dude gets all up in my face.

[70% are "stage directions" simply because i wasn't talking. excusez-moi.]

Dude: Heyyyyyy!!!
Me: (not looking, dialin number)
Dude: HIIIIIIIII!!!! (sits down behind me, leans over his seat to smell my hair)
Me: - silence - (leans forward to talk to homegirl, and get the boy outta my neck)
Dude: (watchin me, silence, still smelling my hair)
Me: (hangs up the phone, sits chillin on the bus)
Dude: (leans over again) Hiiii baby, I'm sorry i didn't wanna
interrupt your conversation, didn't know you on the phone!!!"
Me: It's cool..
Dude: Maybe you wanna call me too???
Me: Naw, i'm good..
Dude: Whyyyyy?
Me: I got a man, he wouldnt appreciate it. (best excuse ever.)
Dude: Well, I got a girl! But it's whatever!
Me: Well, I'm happy for you..

Dude: Do you really think your man is faithful?
Look at me! I got a girl, but i'm still here!!
You think he's not cheatin hahaha? Every man cheats!

Me: Well as long as i trust him..[thinking: i should slap the fuck outta you.]
Other than that, it's about what i do. Step off.

Dude: Well, we can still talk!!! I wanna talk on the phone!! You thinkin so far ahead!! [allusion - I just HAVE to be feeling him!!! ]
Me: I have enough friends to talk to, i don't know about you..
Dude: I got a lot of friends, but im always up to making more....
(grins and blows in my neck)
Me: I'm not interested, leave it alone.
Dude: What's wrong?..maybe i can help you!!!
Me: Naw it's all good, thanks..
Dude: I can help, I'm good!!! (gets ready to get off the bus)
Me: Naw , you good, take care.
Dude: Take care boo, good luck with everything!! (unexpected)

- End of conversation -

A bum ( a real crack bum -) who was sittin behind the dude and
obviously watching the conversation gets up... Passes me by..

Bum: RESPECT YOUNG LADY!!!! Goood Job!!!
(claps while leaving the bus)

I bust out laughing. The situation couldn't have gotten any more awkward.

Niam I'm tellin you, it's the bus stories son! LOL